First of all, and again, I've never blamed you. I've never said you liked him or whatsoever. I know you hadn't. :P Knowing the person that he is, I felt it would be hard for him to forget his 'old flames'. But I'm not saying that he's not over you or anyone else yet, because he has told me that he is, a thousand times before. And I trust him on that. Anyway, that's besides the point.
The thing is, I'm not worried about you liking him or what, neither am I feeling insecure about you or whatsoever. Maybe the way I expressed myself, I might have looked as if I am. But I'm really not. I'm probably insecure of myself. Inconfident, a word I'd rather use.
I'm awfully flawed and yes, I do know nobody's perfect. But the flaws in me are things that bring down my confidence towards myself. I mean, from the first day I knew him, he was telling me a lot about you and the girls he has liked. He was telling me about why he liked them and all. And about the things he has done, the distance he has gone, the measures he has taken, his thoughts, ... everything. That was when I realised I needed a guy like him, because I thought he would do the same for me. But that's not the point again.
He was telling me about how sweet this girl was, how funny that girl was...even on our first date, he was telling me about another girl. And it didn't stop there. Sometimes he's just so blunt and too spontaneous he would just tell me anything in his mind, like when we see something he would go "Oh I gave this to another girl before." I mean, what do you expect me to say rite?
Ugh, I'm always getting out of the point. I was trying to say, it's the qualities he sees in other girls (and I see too) that I don't think I have. That's why I feel insecure and inconfident of myself. It's the things about other girls he has told me before that made feel this way.
The thing is, I'm not asking for material things to prove that he loves me. It was just that if he could do such things to other girls, what about his own gf? He has got no ex to compare me with, that's true but there are other girls out there that can be compared. Sigh, ok, now that sound stupid for me to think that. I never compared him to any other guy that I dated cos I thought it would be unfair to him. Ugh..I'm just very insecure of myself cos it just seems to me that I won't get what I want and I don't have what I want. Uh..whatever.
Seriously, I'm not feeling insecure of you. Never was. And I wasn't here to compare in the first place. I just wanted to say out things that has been in me for a long time, but I'm also not saying you were wrong at posting back nor am I not grateful about it. But whaddya mean when you said I'm his first 'real girlfriend'? He never had one right? It sounded as if he had 'fake girlfriends' before. Lol. And I never got what people meant when they say 'I feel for you'. Feel what? You mean like 'I know how you're feeling'?
It's not about meeting you up can make me feel better or what. Maybe what I really wanted was to know who you really are to create less misunderstandings. Sigh, I am a disappointment to him at some point. He used to tell me I was understanding (well, at the very beginning of our relationship), and when he had knew me more, I never heard him saying that ever again. I can still remember when he told me that he was a little disappointed when he met me the first time
because he has expected someone sweeter...and it was on the first day we met he told me abotu how sweet this girl was that he used to like. '-_-
But anyway, looking at my old photos now...my high school photos, they were really geeky :P And darker because of the constant 'sun-bathing' Haha..
Anyway, I actually feel much better now that I have let so many things out. Of course, I'm not the only one who has got problems and some have bigger problems. But some things, you just hafta let it out :)
Oh, btw ppl, I received a good and bad news when I went home last weekend. Bad news is, my mom got retrenched and my brother has decided to quit his job by the end of this year, which is after my diploma. He has decided to stay patient with Schlumberger and wait till I have finished my studies. So which means, I would not be able to go on with my degree. Good news is, well, bad news for me and maybe good news for Woon :P is that I won't get to go to Australia anymore :( Well, since I don't get to complete my degree, needless to say Australia. Hah. And yea, maybe not very good news for Woon la since it was a bad news for me :P Just that he sounded sad when I said I MAY go down under. Well, at least you won't have to worry if I would stay there or come back and you'd have to decide if you want to stay in the US or come back, right baby? :P
Actually I dunno what I'll do yet la. But for the moment, yea, most probably I'll stay back home, get a job and see how things go. And then become a frog under the coconut shell :P Y'know, the names of these country, Australia and the US, they sound so fictional to me. Like a fantasy land. A fairytale dream. Even Ausralia, so near yet it sounds as if it's a land far, far away. I mean I don't even remember the moments I had in Indonesia and Hong Kong; not even getting down from the airplane and stuff. C'mon la, I was 7!! Whaddya expect me to remember?
Speaking of travelling, Woon's family's leaving tomorrow (Wednesday) evening. So fast. Suddenly I feel so empty again. I'd have to survive by myself with Rachel and Lisa...and perhaps the hyperactive golden retriever, Goldie. Alar..two days only...can wan. Not like I've never done it before. I stayed at home alone with my dad for 2 weeks when my mom went to China ok. Summore that time I had to cook myself. Now got Lisa :P Haha.. I can do it again :P
The reason I noted Wednesday is cos the Net in my office seems to be down so dunno if this post can be published today or not. If not tomorrow...evening. I kinda doubt the new office has Internet connection yet. They have no plotter!! Can you believe it??? No plotter!!! How to work man?? Anyway, I'll be shifting to the new office tomorrow. Goodbye people who are left behind here :( I honestly feel sad ... *sob*
4 comments:
dont have low self confidence because of what someone says to you. words are very dangerous especially if it comes from that certain someone but always remember that you (you siao, not just any 'you') are someone very wonderful. dont let that someone bring you down with blunt and really unreasonable non-excusable things he has said. all of us has flaws but no one (especially any special person) should rub it in, directly or indirectly. so feel proud of yourself because you have every reason to. and your "worried of being a gf who controls over wut the bf should feel" i think its more of bf controlling what gf feels la. so the next time anyONE is being un-excusably blunt, dont compare yourself instead remind that person that thru all the flaws, he chose to be with you because of all the "un-flaws" that is in you. and also tell him smth he shld be doing but is too blur to know (like buying you perfumes or flowers)
thx. u sound like one of the bhanders i noe. n noes me well too. i didn't even mention anything abt perfume or flowers in my blog. who's this???
Him telling you how he treated some girl bla bla bla?? What the fuck?!? ... I'll get back to this.
And when I say I feel for you, means I understand how you feel. Cuz I think I'm only truly inconfident about myself when it comes to the role of me as a girlfriend in a relationship. But I have a very bad insecurity problem which I'm not at all proud of. And what I meant by he's never had a "real girlfriend" as in, you're his first girlfriend lar.
Okay I really don't know what's my point here.
The first date thing, when he was talking about what he did for girls of the past and whatnot, I have a feeling that he was just trying to win you over. Letting you know, instead of showing you, that he's that kinda person. And you like maybe most girls would, fell for it cuz like you said, you realized you needed a guy like him and you're hoping that he'd do the same for you. And the thing about him not saying you're understanding? I think it happens.
Well, think about it. Would you tell your boyfriend that he's cute/charming/gorgeous/all the nice things ALL the time? I mean, wait for special occasions to do that rite? When it's the right moment. Though I know sometimes it's like your effort isn't acknowledged or something along that lines.
If I were you, I would've said, "is this a first date? Why are you telling me all this?" But that would then give the first impression that you have an attitude. Maybe because I'm too straight forward for my own good. And WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL was he thinking when on a first date he decided to just let you know you're not as sweet as he thought you were?! Seriously, even I have to admit its quite dumb. -_-"
You know what, it's so much easier to talk instead of typing cuz I get tired of typing too detailed. Maybe we should just meet up as friends. You know its this skill we girls have that we can talk to any other girls whom we've never met. So maybe we should give it a shot. Not for the "evaluation" though. =P
Talk to you soon.
And the previous comment above yours isn't me.
i noe the comment above me is not u. she's one of my bhanders. she noes the juciy details whc i've mentioned it to her looong time ago and nvr did to anyone else or in this post. and she called me by my nick. like, who else can it be? haha...
yea i kinda guess wut "i feel for you" means. just that i never thought it was grammatically right. the first 'real' gf thing, sry i just wasnt comfortable with the word 'real' :P
letting me noe what kinda person he is on the first date? good idea. but bad move considering the way he told me and the words he used. sigh. forget it.
he din tell me i'm not as sweet as he thought i was on the first date ler. it was after that, when i asked him. on the first date he was told me abt this girl he liked,how sweet she was and all and i remb he told me he likes girls who are sweet. i mean on the first date he never complimented me but he was telling me this and that abt another girl. you would feel this way to right?
i'm hvg my week-long chinese new yr break. will be back in mid valley starting next monday. u can find me there anytime.
Post a Comment