Don't ask me why because I do not know the answer. But for the past few nights, almost every one of it, I've been crying myself to sleep. I tried to sleep but I could not. Blame it on the change of my lifestyle to a nocturnal one, but that's only the first part.
What exactly was going through my mind? Him? Maybe. Everytime I go to bed with him in my mind. Not like I can totally control but it's like the first thing that comes into my mind whenever I lay down on my bed. The saddest part is that not those happy and cheerful moments that we've spent together comes in. But they were the areas in him that I was not satisfied with all this while; and most of them, I've never really told him. It's so saddening that it makes me cry and my heart ache. Till my room was as if a room so dark that it was filled with lots of negative energies. I cried so hard that it made me sat up on my bed and thought I was suffering from some mental cases. I have no idea how to explain or describe this in better words. However, at some point, I felt a certain emptiness in my heart. A certain absence. I'm not blaming anyone or anything for that. I'm even trying not to feel that way and to become stronger.
Is it really true that patience and loyalty is all what it takes to be in this kind of relationship? I don't think so. In order to have patience and loyalty, one has to be made comfortable being in it. And when you have water to fill in to vessels, if the first vessel is full, the second one has to be filled too. You can't keep filling in to the first vessel because it will just overflow. And when it overflows, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Just like watering flowers in a row. And because you water them in a row, it keeps them alive. You can't possibly water only certain ones if you don't want them to die.
There are just so many things that I wish he knew and that I'm not quite satisfied with. But I guess I can't do much. Because sometimes, things won't be the same when it is told how to be done.
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